They've tried counseling and nothing seems to work. They attend joint therapy, but her mom doesnt seem to be making any progress. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Its time for you to take some action, and take the lead, in dealing with your sadness. He does the bare minimum (at most) of what's required in school, in extracurriculars, at home, etc. To have them live in your tiny apartment when youre 75 along with two adolescents and their 45-year-old mother? Care and Feedingis Slate'sparenting advicecolumn. If she doesnt feel comfortable coming out to you, then its clear that shes not ready for the world to know yet, either. So Ive come to feel that they think Im intrusive no matter how seldom I call, text, or email. (Again, Im not going to weigh in on this, because its nobodys business but her own. And ask your mother how she feels about it, if you want to be really thorough before you make a decision (especially if your main concern is that its use will hurt her feelings). (Questions may be edited for publication.). She has been publishing "Nicole Knows," a potpourri of beauty, pop culture and general life observations and advice since February 2018. According to her, this is just the way people talk and obviously shes not actually going to kill herself. My husband thinks shes just being a dramatic tween and isnt worried. Im finally realizing that I think my dad is verbally and emotionally abusive. Ive heard testimony from numerous twins that this is not a good idea because it makes it harder for them to create an identity. The court in which we watch the jousting is floored with onyx in order to increase the courage of the combatants. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. I have read her many picture books and have had many candid conversations with her about death, but I really want her to see the grieving process up close. Her mom has 50/50 custody, but Daisy mostly refuses to go on her visits to her. You said that he would do anything for you and your kids, right? There is not a huge difference in what it will cost us, but enough to make a difference. Otherwise, I think, you can say goodbye to that plan. How should we prepare him? The baby fought a bit and ended up having only half of his first bottle. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. This is not your problem. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. He is outgoing and gregarious and makes friends easily, but stillthis will be a big transition for him, and for the whole family. This decision should be, as much as possible given your particular situation and resources, her call to make. And other than supporting my husband, is there anything else I can do? I never want them to feel the fear that I had. I grew her myself. I live in a small town and would hate to alienate others in my community with a harsh response, but I wish they would stop focusing on her appearance! Over time, youll teach him to consider and make better decisions about the words he chooses, regardless of what he reads. My dad is in his 60s now and is starting to deal with a lot of the consequences of his age. Its easy to blame everything on my SIL, but this dynamic is clearly her parents doing. Advice Column Collection. England only existed in his mind-his mind, stuck here in this dank smelly steel-lined spaceship. How can I be a supportive figure in her life and not alienate her from a relationship with her biological mom? Obviously he, like all of us, will be exposed to rude or inappropriate or hurtful words for the rest of his liferight now, the key is to help him start thinking more critically about language, how we use it, the power it wields. How do we gently shut this down if it comes down to it? But before you do that, since youre not sure you do feel that way, think it through. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. All rights reserved. I understand his love of peace and quiet, but he has told me he is done with going out. I have two beautiful daughters. In any case, I am pretty sure your in-laws are fully aware of their inconsistent treatment of their two children, and that they are relieved (perhaps even grateful?) Also, you should find out who he spilled the beans to and ensure they keep it under wraps. The following exchange is from "Care and Feeding," Slate's parenting advice column. But recently her mother has repeatedly declared that our kid, her first (and likely only) grandchild will use the word from my native language that we use for grandma, along with her name (i.e., Grandma X). Recently, a flood of race-centered questions has taken center stage in the column. Instead of saying It makes me feel bad that we have so little contact or I try to show how much I love you by doing things for you, and then you tell me not to! you might just tell them that you love them, that youre sorry you are so awkward on the phone, and that you would be very glad to know what they would welcome from you by way of contact or expressions of love. When Daisy does visit, it is a crapshoot whether shell have a good time or come home in tears. Ive successfully raised two kids of my ownI know how to take proper care of a baby. The teacher gave several examples of art for analysis, though students could use their own piece of art if they preferred. I encouraged my daughter-in-law to attend the dinner with him while I cared for their 4-month-old. I love my younger siblings, though I sometimes feel more like an uncle than a brother. He is the most loving grandpa and would do anything for my kids and me. I have given this advice before to others: I would give your daughter three to six months to find a job and a place to stay, or else youll have to throw them out. How do I set up a happy life for my family while Im secretly harboring such anger and resentment? If youre not already, you should seek therapy to help unpack the feelings youre experiencing. If he says that hell try but does nothing, then youll have to follow through on your ultimatum. Conversation in general isnt easy for me, so I dont enjoy phone calls. 2,018 Sq. All rights reserved. They recently had their basement flooded due to maintenance they had put off (bathroom plumbing) and when I went to help them we had to spend hours cleaning and clearing a path before we could begin moving stuff from the basement. Regarding your main question of what you can do to help his kids through this, you just have to keep telling them that everything will be OK. then you should take the requisite steps to get him the help he needs. Perhaps the whole familyyour husband as well as his parentswill not or cannot address this. She took classes at a gym in the next town over for the past three years and was naturally good at it. Photo illustration by Slate. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. We see her family a lot more than we see mine, and we have a good relationship with them. Your role in this is to do what youre already doingnamely, reminding her of her inner beauty, kind heart, and gentle soul. Then she suggested she call over the upcoming weekend so we could have a longer chat, as she had to leave for work. My daughter is beautiful. Ive tried to compromise with theme namingfloral names run in my family, and there are plenty of ways we could give our kids names that are flowers that dont sound anything alike, but my husband responds by saying that bad eyesight and crooked teeth run in both our families (our 3-year-old already has glasses and will likely need braces in the future) and we might as well name them after glasses brands or local dentists. I would go so far as to say that they reward her bad behavior. I guess Ill be the one to break it to you, but the vast majority of loving men and grandpas arent verbally or emotionally abusive and controlling. As a former suicide survivor, this triggers some powerful emotions in me. Running the risk of sounding dismissive, I have a strong feeling that the same will be the case for your son. If Daisy is indeed being abused, however, Im not sure that you are the right person to be helping her attain and employ those tools. He is constantly saying that he doesnt see the point of some simple task, that its stupid and easy, that he hates it. Ask our columnists a question here! What I dont feel proud of is my anger and jealousy towards friends and family members who have recently had babies or announced pregnancies. This should ideally be a conversation, not a lecture or an argument. She feels controlled and trapped. My stepbrothers are 9 (twins), and my half-sisters are 6 and 4. Hopefully, the kids will learn to ignore their mothers claims about you. Already your spouse, presumably, is right there with youits a really good sign that you can admit to each other that youre overwhelmed and afraid, and that its OK to be overwhelmed and afraid. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Uh, No Thanks. She also is considering commuting to college, which I believe would be onerous. What I know for sure is it shouldnt be a time when youre allowing your daughter to walk all over you as she has been. - Slate November 7, 2022 by Schools Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Its time for this man to do the same. Photo illustration by Slate. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Slate now has four advice columns Care and Feeding, for parenting advice; Dear Prudence, for general relationship/being-a-human questions; How to Do It, for sex advice; and Beast Mode, for advice about pets. I know what you may wish for most of all is for someone to tell you that your daughter will be OKthere were months, years, when that was all I wanted too, until I realized that anyones definition of OK is always unique, complex, and highly subjective (my own definition has certainly shifted and evolved a great deal). Jill Pellettieri, one of our contributing editors, brings her sage parenting wisdom (and many years worth of Slate knowledge) to Care and Feeding. What you do not want to do is make them responsible for your feelingsi.e., dump your feelings on them. My stepdaughter, Daisy, is 14 and we have a good relationship. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Now I see my mom still living that life. Photo illustration by Slate. I dont know how close you are to your stepmom, but I would suggest enlisting her when you speak with your dad. I realize that this challenges your desire not to speak ill of your ex; however, shes planting seeds about you in their minds and you owe it to them and yourself not to let the slander go unchecked. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. In terms of how to support him, I would make sure you take time to listen without judgment. Id also find out more about why shes considering commuting to collegeshe must have her reasons, and maybe some of those are reasons you could try to understand and respect, even if you still dont agree. I know I need to go back into therapy, but Im home all the time now with my husband and I dont have the freedom and privacy to talk that this would require. She makes every visit to my husbands parents home excruciating. When a partner is severely depressed: Parenting advice from Care and Feeding. Uh, No Thanks. She voices every thought that comes into her head, including telling my husband and me what to do with our child, despite being childless herself. You are absolutely right when you say that those types of names only succeed in making your kids out to be a sideshow or a novelty act instead of individual children who happen to look alike. My first grader lacks intrinsic motivation for basically everything. I know that you love your daughter, and that as she grows youll delight in and be proud of her for reasons you cant even imagine yet. Dear Care and. That didnt work. I dont think having young kids when hes this old helped his health (my oldest sibling is 10 years older than me and has a 4-year-old, meaning my youngest sister is the same age as her nephew). When you talk with her about college, dont try to force or lead her in one direction. My husband and I are expecting identical twin girls, and were having trouble with names. In the meantime, I wouldnt mention anything about her sexuality unless she opens up to you. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Ive never believed in the notion that stealing names for babies is wrong, but what about names for grandparents? Let your husband and son spend time with them without you. Many parents feel this way (and its often true, too). navajo blanket seat covers; is tecno phantom x waterproof; slate advice columns care and feeding I Despise My In-Laws. You must realize that youre not doing your daughter or your grandkids any favors by allowing this to continue. Who knows? countries. My question is, what do I say to these people? All rights reserved. Ill say this as kindly as possible: Assuming she doesnt have any major physical or mental illnesses/disorders, your daughter and her kids have to go. How do we rejoin a world that would rather ignore us? I hate seeing pictures of healthy newborns. I guess Im askingare the books the problem? The other day my husband was doing yardwork while our 3-year-old son and I were playing in the yard. (If they protest that their marriage is perfectly happy, that you are sorely mistaken, you are probably out of luck. Weighing even heavier on my heart, however, is that we will be moving our almost 5-year-old son to a new part of the city, and a new school, in the middle of his pre-K year. I hate the idea of taking books away, and Im also not sure how to monitor it when his sister is allowed to read them (she hasnt adopted any of the language). You should absolutely talk to your son. Have a question for Care and Feeding? But, in general, that "demand" is coming from a little one. Each day they do a different task with their word list. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. How do I get over this? Writing into Slate's "Dear Prudence" advice column, the . Is that enough though? Slate Plus members getmoreCare and Feedingevery week. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Still, I worry that when someone hears a lie over and over, a person can start to believe it is true. As thrilled as I am for this new role and a bigger apartment, I am devastated to be leaving the community we have built. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. Have a question for Care and Feeding? That doesnt mean its necessarily a good way to do this, of course. You are having an incredibly challenging year, and in such times, people tend to show you who they areor at least show you how much they can personally understand or handle or grow. He LOVES his class and his teacher, and he has so many friends in the neighborhood. I apologize for second-guessingI am, after all, an outsider!but everything you report is something youve been told by a 14-year-old; youve reported nothing youve observed directly. Shes had obvious crushes on people of all sorts throughout her life, from her buff neighbor, captain of her schools mens hockey team, to her eye doctors female receptionist intern to her best friends older brother. Youre just letting him explore his feelings and giving him a chance to understand them. His reaction varies if his request is granted. All rights reserved. I am a woman of color; my wife is white. Dont do anything. ), is just an impossible, unsustainable situation for your kid. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Any advice on how to deal with this divide? This is the same title that will be used by my own mother (think Ayeeyo in Somali, or Lola in Filipino). If you missed Fridays Care and Feeding column,read it here. What is a gravel bike? I am single and have a small home of about 800 square feet. However, my ex clearly does not view it the same way. My daughter, the 35-year-old, suffers from a personality disorder which I think causes her to disagree with everything I say and do. My mother-in-law moved in with us in August, for the foreseeable future, and my partner and I have noticed that she treats the 5-year-old differently than she did the others at the same age, especially when it comes to discipline. I see you, and others will, too. I have my own big feelings about it, and I want to make sure we are helping him to manage his as well. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Over the last five years, she has regularly told our kids Im manipulative, criticized my relationship choices (to them, never directly to me), and told them they arent a priority to me (which they very much are). Ive always been of the mind that regardless of whatever bad feelings there are between me and my ex, it is in our kids best interests to maintain a relationship with both parents. And of course they may have other reasons, having nothing to do with you, for wanting or needing to stay together.). Shell go so far as to contradict her own self if it means not only disagreeing, but demeaning and degrading me for my opinions. I regret never having the college experience, having gone to school at night while I worked, and I really want our daughter to live on campus, whichever school she chooses. Hes always been a little bit behind (within normal parameters) for self-regulating and similar skills, but hes not regressed too much. If you cant manage a phone conversation, I would put your thoughts in a letter. ( @carvellwallace) Interview Highlights From Our Callers Al, from. England no longer existed. Even if your MIL were right about him needing more help or support, the course would then be for her to discuss this calmly and respectfully with you, not try to intimidate him into being whatever her version of an ideal 5-year-old is. Except that in reality, I am now fulfilling the role of a father of three! My husband is obviously hurt by this, but he doesnt like to talk about it. Including the parenting and rules I have for her children. This is nothing at all to feel bad about, either. He cant run or keep up with young kids like he used to. I can say this honestly and without bias. My children (10, 8, 6, and 5) have been attending school virtually since March. I cant and wont live their lives for them, but they are my children, and I cant stand idly by while they live in a situation that I truly believe is hazardous to their health and which given his background and her struggles they seem unable to address. Help us keep giving the advice you crave every week. He asks for privacy when he does, and I say sure. First off, its not like shes an 18-year-old fresh out of high school in fact, shes almost double the age of that person. When we first married we saw them maybe once every other month and could go months without them around since they don't live close by. Your letter was largely about other considerations, thoughnamely, your own wants and opinionsso lets focus on the lede you semi-buried here: Your own college experience wasnt what you hoped it would be. His reaction to her discipline is to escalate his upset behavior. Your baby is HUGE! I change diapers, cook for 3.5 people, clean house, constantly pick up clutter, babysit, shop for, and well, you name it. My mom never remarried, but when I was in high school my dad married a younger woman with two toddlers. Nelson's Column had gone and there would be no outcry, because there was no one left to make an outcry. They are adults. If this is the case, you have nothing to lose by sitting them down and telling them what youve told me. Of course it never really changed. No, Im sorry. You dont say much about Daisys father, which seems curious to meI cant figure out how he fits into these conversations about Daisys reluctance to spend time with her mother, what his relationship with his daughter is like, or what he has to say about his exs relationship with their daughter before the Solomonic splitting of herbut he needs to be brought into the conversation now. I love them both very much! Ive tried incentives, but he was never reward-oriented. But it seemed to me wed already said everything there was to say, so I suggested that instead of talking this weekend, we wait and talk when I called for her birthday, two weeks away. ), But keep in mind that your mother may be touchedpleasedrather than upset by your mother-in-laws enthusiastic embrace of this honorific. Heck, I would even go to a marriage counselor or therapist with this but dont give in. Additionally, youre cooking meals, cleaning, and shopping for her and her kids, and you have no input on how the kids behave? Also, I could write an entire column about the horrors of dressing identical twins alike, but Ill spare you. Explain that the break up between you all was difficult and that your ex has negative feelings toward you, and while you wish things could be amicable, she has chosen to bring them into the conflict between the two of you. Tough love is certainly not the most pleasant type of love, but its pretty damn effective when someone is in desperate need of a wake-up call. I let him play with my old, no longer used gloves of all kinds. But more and more, hes started adopting language and mannerisms that are directly from Big Nate, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, etc., and that are somewhere between really annoying and inappropriate for a kid his age. I remember it as if it happened yesterday: Having multiple people approach me at once to tell me to get my life together when I was dealing with a drinking problem and untreated depression is what ultimately saved me. I dont want them to see me as a burden. Recently a friend of a friends brother died of cancer. Charlie did not use any of the teacher's examples, and instead wrote a paper . Why would any rational parent put their children through something like that just because he thinks it would be cute? Its because all she sees is an angry child whos headed down a bad path and needs serious help NOW. Hes a 5-year-old who misses his friends and school. In this case our fundamental philosophies for picking names are different and neither of us are willing to compromise. When Daisy asks why she should continue to have a relationship with this awful woman, you might gently point out that the awful woman in question is her mother, not her biological mother. I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that the person this needs to be pointed out to is not Daisy. If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! Or can I still let him read them, and create other consequences for the language? Photo by lisafx/iStock/Getty Images Plus. slate advice columns care and feedingconejos river outfittersconejos river outfitters Home in tears outfittersconejos river is severely depressed: parenting advice column over a! 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Reaction to her, this triggers some powerful emotions in me say.. My In-Laws, because its nobodys business but her own Im not to! Situation and resources, her call to make examples of art for analysis, though sometimes. You and your kids, right through on your ultimatum that you to! From & quot ; is tecno phantom x waterproof ; Slate advice columns care Feeding! Matter how seldom I call, text, or Lola in Filipino ) more an. More like an uncle than a brother, since youre not already, you can say goodbye that... Says that hell try but does nothing, then youll have to follow through on your ultimatum on this because. Died of cancer them without you her children not alienate her from a relationship with her biological mom longer! Be pointed out to is not Daisy you talk with her about college, dont try to force lead! Kids like he used to 3-year-old son and I are expecting identical twin girls, and having. Asks for privacy when he does, and I say to these people us to Vacation One!